I’ve witnessed a horrible thing today. No, it wasn’t zombies eating up a village of unsuspecting bystanders. It wasn’t even Trump nuking North Korea. Or the other way around.
It was much worse.
I’ve witnessed a hijacking of a vibrant, supportive, and active parent association, for a personal agenda of an egocentric person, who believes he is doing a “great job” while obviously dividing the community into two polarizing us-vs-them camps. So the parent association throws through the window all good thoughts of school and kids and the real reason why they exist, and start wasting their energy towards divisiveness, accusations and pointless bickering.
It is in order to also say first a big thank you to all the people who are willing to get involved into PA to a level that they do. I did not. Shame on me. Every person who is on board and participating deserves a thank you for it. I wish I did more, but I didn’t and that is my own fault. So there may be things I don’t know and things I don’t understand. I start simply from a point of an observer of human interactions. If I missed some point, please forgive me. I am in no means perfect or all knowing. I simply convey my thoughts and my feelings, however imperfect, selfish or occasionally patronizing they may sound. You’ve been warned. You can choose not to read this.
Step back….
I am not a political person. I don’t like Trump. But I don’t like much anyone in Washington either, since either side of the red-blue divide seems to serve too much of a self-centered agenda to do much good for the people. So as a non-political person, I tend to spend my time tinkering with computers and playing board games with the kids, rather than getting involved into local Parent Association at the Charter School where my kids are attending first and third grade. Let the people who are good with other people run that, and I’ll just trust them, since most of parents I meet, tend to be good people, people I can respect, and I would happily trust them to run the Parent Association.
And then Tuesday afternoon happened. A deluge of text message and emails and cacophony of digital voices interrupted the slow drain of my cellphone battery, and the juice quickly started running out with megabytes of data flowing back and forth. It all centered around Scott, the supposedly much loved leader of the school Parent Association. I never heard of him before myself. What was it all about?
Well, the deluge of messages essentially told me the following…
- Scott’s wife is a convicted level 1 sex offender. Apparently she had a 13 year old from school at her house for a period of two years with over 300 sexual encounters and so on and so on.
- Scott was apparently less than forthcoming about this. He got himself elected to a position of PA board president, with people not knowing these details.
I quickly think it might be a scam, or someone tries to trick me, but a google search tells me that this is not something out of the blue, but seems to reflect reality enough for me to believe it.
My first gut instinct at this was very simple: why on earth would a person like this want to become a leader of a PA board? Why would he want to put anyone through a strong reaction I experienced myself? There is something selfish here, and I don’t like it!
I can rationally accept the fact that I don’t know the details of the case. I don’t know how much of amends are they trying to make. Are they a poor couple trapped in a bad consequence of one poor choice? Or are they active ongoing sex predators who got away lightly the first time around? I don’t know. Either is possible, so I had to accept I don’t know.
But one thing really really kept bothering me. And it was simple: Why would a person like that, who has to know that this will cause a strong emotional reaction in many people, want to put a community of parents through this? You can’t be so dumb, to think that this will not cause strong reaction and polarize the community in a bad way. It’s simply common sense that people react that way. So why would you go stick your nose out there into a nest of parents? How is this good for anyone?
So I did what I never did in my life before. I dragged myself to the PA meeting.
Fast forward, Wednesday afternoon. I sit in the meeting hall of the Charter School. One in a crowd of many. I know many faces. I like pretty much everyone I know. We hang at birthday parties together. Chatting about kids. Occasionally even sneaking in some more “serious” conversation about some Sci-Fi books we read recently. Holding on to a guilty beer bottle, all the while wondering if anyone will be judged for drinking a bottle of cold Sam Adams at a birthday party for 7-year olds.
So I sit among these people and start experiencing some kind of a Twilight Zone. The meeting drags on and on, because, of course, PA leadership is a very last item on the agenda. I had serious thought to stand up after 5 minutes and address the elephant in the room, but everyone seemed so adamant to follow the agenda, that I figured I might just go with this, and wondering what happens if we might simply run out of time, and end up not even addressing the elephant.
So we go on. Committee about this, and committee about that. I don’t really know who Scott is at the beginning. But after some 10 minutes, when someone addresses him by the name, I come to conclusion that he is indeed the guy sitting at the center of the big table up front. I had a glimmer of hope initially that he might have stepped down by now, simply because that would be a kind thing to do for everyone, to not have to go through upset and arguing and so on.
But no. He’s still there. Meeting drags on just south of forever, in the end finally the topic of PA leadership comes up. At that point everyone made sure there are no more students in the meeting. Thank you for that, everyone! Last thing we want our kids to know is: instead of working for you and spending time for your benefit, your parents have decided to waste time bickering back and forth about the leadership of the PA. That would really make our kids feel special, wouldn’t it?
Scott, to his benefit, clearly speaks out and says something like this:
- his wife is a level 1 sex offender, wearing a GPS bracelet
- she is not allowed around the kids, there are a lot of rules and he, Scott, is making very sure she is following the rules
- he was very clear with the school leadership (principals and executive director) making them fully aware of the situation. However, executive director didn’t really confirm this later, but pretty much said, that she really fully learned about this only after he was elected. So someone somewhere is lying…
He also said something about recusing himself or not being in a meeting that discusses him, but he clearly stayed there, so I don’t know what that was all about.
Then someone (I think the person who started a petition to remove him?) stands up and starts reading a petition, which is basically centered around him getting elected to the position of PA leadership without being open about his situation, and that this is betrayal of trust, and that a motion should be put forward to call for a vote of confidence. So we get to vote, right?
At this point I’m already a bit annoyed, because I realize something: we, the group of 100 or so parents, are not spending our energy on our kids and our school that we so love. We are instead focusing our energy and our thoughts on Scott. And that makes me angry. I don’t necessarily care about Scott and his wife’s criminal past. That’s his business. But I do care about the school. And if I decide I want to do something for school, I want do to it for school. Not for Scott. I don’t want to make him the center of attention. I want school and kids to be the center of attention. This is a distraction. Unnecessary.
But back to the vote. We’ll get to vote! Yeah! We vote him off, move on and case closed. Elect someone else, focus on kids again.
Uh-oh… Not that easy! The board member who seemed to be responsible for rules and laws reminds everyone that we can not vote for his removal. We can only ask for a board itself to vote for his removal. The board, who was basically all along telling us what great job is he doing and that we need to look past his issues and simply accept the fact that he’s a great guy doing great things. Democracy in action, I guess? What matter is not the vote of majority, what matter is a vote of 3 people who supposedly represent us. Whatever. Fine. I will never understand democracy entirely, but if this is what it is, then I fully understand the guy who said: “Democracy is the worst form of government, except for all the others….”
So this goes on, and now is a discussion part of the vote. No vote yet, but a discussion around this.
One thing keeps nagging me. Scott is a leader of the PA. He says he’s doing a great job. But all I see around me is parents slowly and certainly grouping themselves into 2 camps. Camp for Scott. And camp against Scott. It’s all about Scott. Everyone at this point completely forgets why we’re here (kids? school? anyone?) and just goes on about Scott this, Scott that. Forgiveness. Consequences. Blah blah.
My mind wanders at this point…
What are the things I know? Scott is married to a sex offender who apparently had over 300 instances of statutory rape happen right in their house, as internet tells me. All the while Scott was living in the same house. Over the course of 2 years. How can that happen without him knowing? Could my spouse have an affair with a minor on my couch downstairs repeatedly, many times a week, over the course of 2 years, without me knowing anything? So what are we talking about here? Can I at this point even believe that Scott is not criminally complicit in the whole thing? He talked a lot about what his wife did, but he never said anything about his role.
Let’s stop my wondering mind. I don’t know the facts. But that’s what I was thinking about. Knowing all along that I don’t really know. The only reason why I’m thinking about this, is because everyone around me seems bickering back and forth about Scott, Scott, Scott, and I find it boring by now.
So I think about this: Wouldn’t he himself be better off just not being there? Wouldn’t it be better for him, as a feeling human being? Why is he actually putting himself through this? What can he possibly accomplish by having a full attention of 100 parents? Are they also thinking, like I was, about worst possible scenarios? Well… Maybe it’s not about accomplishing anything. Maybe it’s about attention itself! Some people simply love attention. Any attention is better than no attention. It’s all I can think of here… I can’t come up with anything else.
So I get pretty angry at giant waste of parental energy, and I raise my hand and ask Scott directly: “There are people clearly upset here! Their upset will not go away, since their upset comes from a very deep emotional place. So how can you think you will be able to accomplish anything as a leader if you have decent section of parent body with such deep feelings against you? This is how your past affects people, you can’t escape that. So how is this good for anyone? Without any judgement of your past, these are simply facts around us right here. This is the effect you have on people.”
Answer was basically a mumbling: “I think I will do a good job!”
Well, guess what, Scott: you are not doing a good job right now! In this very moment, your job of being a leader of parent community, has devolved into being a center of negative attention of a divided, angry group of parents. You have divided a community. You have turned it into two camps. Those for you. And those against you. Those are cold facts staring us in the face right now, and this is not what I call a good job. Not by a mile.
But, back to the meeting: There is a lot of talk about newspapers picking up this story and blemishing the name of the school. To which a counterargument is: but do we really want to teach our kids that image is all that matters?
At some point a parent I know well, raises an issue of news using this, and then I hear one of the board members yell back something like: “Yeah, because YOU told them, right!”
Hold on! Did I just hear a vicious sniping comment from pro-Scott group to against-Scott group? Geez! I’m glad that police officer is here! Is a police officer in every one of these meetings? Or is this an exception, because someone thought this might get contentious? I know school doesn’t really use metal detectors at the front gates… My survival instinct kicks in briefly, I look around me for concealed weapons, but then I realize I’m probably just getting a bit too paranoid. Sorry. Sometimes I get like that.
Fast forward to the final vote: at some point a discussion is stopped, and vote is put to the 3 people on board with Scott, who give him 3 votes of confidence against 0 votes of non-confidence, so, yay!, Scott stays. Because 3 people who had votes, were exactly the people he made sure like him, since nobody can deny him his likable demeanor and open personality.
At this point I pretty much give up. Which part of us can see beyond the distracting facts, and realize that togetherness of a community is more important than any single leader? A great leader would step down when seeing that he is simply sowing the seeds of divisiveness. But I guess great leaders are very rare. Leading through a divide’n’conquer is a standard practice of bad leadership, and it always leaves communities, countries or even continents in ruins and in bad need of healing.
Anyway. This charade stopped at some point, meeting adjourned. Off I go to a long drive back home. What did I learn?
First thing I learned, is that if you sit back and ignore the political process, then the political process will be hijacked by people you don’t want there. So you should be involved early and enough to at least try to prevent this. That’s on me. My fault. Sorry, community, for letting you down. Will I do better next time? I’d like to believe that.
Second thing I learned, is that once certain people loose sight of grand goal, it’s so easy to get lost in minor details. The board members clearly like Scott, and once they like him, they are no longer rational observers, but fully entrenched in us-vs-them thinking. And that is a hard thing to fix. I may be a bit of an expert on this, since the country I grew up in, went up in a puff of smoke during an episode of a little bit of overzealous us-vs-them thinking. It turned real people into real killers with real guns and real tanks, killing other real people that were sometimes innocent and other times not so much, but ended dead regardless. But that’s a sad story for another long post.
So I just urge everyone to pause and think a bit. This is not about sex predators. This is about whatever brings communities apart. You can take communities apart by arguing about what color of balloons you want at the neighborhood parties if you’re in a divisive state of mind!
And most of all, Scott, whatever your role, whatever your thinking, whatever your innocence or complicity, whatever you are doing, face the following fact: your achievement at this point is a divided community.
Please do something about it. You are in the center of it all, and you’re the person in a best position to start the healing. Own this. This divide would not happen if it wasn’t for you. So be a man, and own this rift. Put behind your past and your troubles from ten years ago, and simply take a look at your present failure. Show us that you can in fact be a leader. Stepping down? You probably should, but at this point, it might simply be seen as a victory of them against us or us against them or whatever. And a victory for one side does not bring communities back together. Communities come together through honesty, humbleness and understanding. And the honesty, humbleness and understanding has to start with you. So I dare you: fix it! Apologize for bringing along this rift with your selfish decision to inject yourself into a position where it was pretty obvious that it will cause an upset, and then work towards bringing everyone back together if you can. And if you can’t, find someone who can, and move to a role where you are not dividing people further.
Meanwhile, I’ll continue playing board games with my kids, and tinkering with computers.
Will I make a point to drag myself to more PA meetings? Maybe, but probably not. If I will have to sit through another episode of someone reiterating bylaws, flylaws, crylaws or any other darn PA laws, while completely missing the point that the community around the room is deteriorating and falling apart, it would probably depress me to a point of simply giving up on humanity, building a wall around my property and homeschooling my kids.